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68 Kill – Trauma, a Cabbie Hat and Third Time’s the Charm

I went to 68 Kill because of Matthew Grey Gubler.

I went back to 68 Kill because of AnnaLynne McCord.

Specifically something she said after the screening.

About Trauma.

First I’ll say (and no spoilers here) this film is stupid fun.  It looks like it’s going on a film fest tour so if it comes to your town go see it, at midnight if possible, it’s just that kind of show.  The energy is raw and fast, there are great twists and turns.  Just ride it.

 

There’s some great role reversals, a magnificent sing along scene, and if you’ve got a dark side,

oh, 68 Kill will.

Feed.

It.

 

Here’s a few things I got out of it.

Liza is a Lion, a wind storm of WHAT THE FUCK.  AnnaLynne is on Fire, Wild eyed and manipulative AF, sliding between conniving, cajoling, gaslighting and straight up beautiful, crazy psycho with flashes of what her true self could be shining through at times which is also heartbreaking.

He asked me if I wanted a pic

with or without the Yellow Cab

hat.  I was like, why not both?

and Gubler – he’s an interesting one.  Plays the role perfectly.  If you are a fan of this guy this film is going to do you right.  I have (like about a jilliion million other people on the planet) always been drawn to his energy.  It’s the kind you just want to….breathe in.  I recognize it because my son has it.  He’s the kind of person people are drawn to and want to take care of.  But some other people are drawn to that energy because they hate it.  Want to squelch it.  Smash it.  Twist it and manipulate it into something else.  That’s why he’s a perfect Chip.  But Gubler has this wonderful childlike wonder about him that just shines through.  And he’s learned when to be slippery, and know when to pull in that childlike piece so people can’t grab it and take it for themselves.  He has a sadness too, which I think is also part of his draw.  Maybe because of that need for the slipperiness at all.  That shield.  Once watching him in something else I heard the song “Tears of a Clown” playing in my head.  It’s a perfect description, happiness, joyfulness, but also a sadness that can’t be hidden.  That’s the piece to him that is heartbreaking too, a little bit.

When people hug me or touch me I can feel things about them.  Even just being near someone you are in their energy, and their information – which is around all of us all the time.  It’s hard to explain but I’ll try to do it and I won’t get too personal, some things are just for me.  But when MMG put his arm around me for the pic it was like there was no stopping point.  I’ll explain – when I met Mike Tyson years ago at Realscreen when I touched him he felt like a rock.  Literally. There was no give, until I spoke to him in his ear.  Then he softened.  Like a jelly.  He turned to me and took my hand in his and took me over to introduce me to his wife.  He smiled the most incredible smile.  He is also like a little boy, I know everyone has their own feelings about Mike Tyson, but I always saw him a Ferdinand the Bull.  Gentle in the center.

But with MMG, it was like there was no boundary of where he stopped.  I was and wasn’t surprised.  It was like sitting in pure joy.  You know when you meet someone you have liked for a long time and it’s like, “oh man, I hope they aren’t a dick” so it like wrecks your image of them? Nope, that didn’t happen at all.  It was a pleasure to meet him.  His touch is soft.  Happy.  Joyful. Open.  But he still has a part he doesn’t share, for a long time.  And that’s good for a person like him.

AnnaLynne and I connected on a conversation around trauma.  Immediately.  ha ha like a tornado, in just like, 3 minutes, we were sharing really personal stuff with each other, because of some of what we’ve been through.  Pain can be an instant link.  Shes’s amazing.  Rich is the word that comes to mind but not like money.  Like…full.  She’s got this million dollar smile and that mane – so impressive.  But it’s also part of her armor.  I know that well, I use that shield too.  Stay at arm’s length, don’t get too close.  But if I know you – and I KNOW you, even within seconds we are thick as thieves.  And when she hugged me, and she really hugged me – I could feel the shield, but I could feel the love too.  I could feel all the giving she has to give and share and help with.  Help other’s who’ve been where she’s been with and that’s big.  Bigger than her, bigger than me.  It’s connection.  I’m a CASA, and a Mental/Behavioral/Social Health + ACES advocate and I’ve done a lot of work for a long time – I can’t not do it, I simply call it the work.  She does the work too.  There’s a drive there that is unstoppable and unbreakable.  She is a force.  What she whispered in my ear made my heart catch in chest and then in my throat, because I’d never heard something like that from someone on the other side.  It went down into me and all through me.  I know that doesn’t make sense but it’s just for me.  I’m thankful to AnnaLynne for that, that and an image she gave me that broke open a part of who I am and why I do what I do.  Something that I am still processing.  So thanks for that, AnnaLynne.  We are sisters in the work.

Seeing this film gave me an opportunity I didn’t see coming that hit me like a freight train.  Then watching it a second time, after talking with AnnaLynne before heading in, it hit me again, but at a different level.  The third time I watched it (yes, 3 times in one week. batshit crazy I know) I saw it on a third level.  The level that was for me.  And I’m still unpacking it.  Because trauma packs itself up tight, then adds to itself in layers.  What I call stitches. It hides in the corners where it’s dark.  Until something comes along to shake it loose, or rattle it out.  In those times it will do the cruelest thing possible.  It will sit in front of you on the floor, unwrapping itself, and because I see in pictures it looks like this blob thing wrapped in an oily, greasy wrinkled rag, about the size of a picnic blanket, but it’s no picnic.  It’s a bloody red, black and blue ball that opens in throbbing bursts like some kind of fucked up punctured anemone smiling this crooked, rotten smile and asks,

“So what are you going to do with me now, bitch?”

So this time, after watching 68 Kill and talking to AnnaLynne, I’ll do the opposite of what trauma wants.  Again.  I won’t recoil in fear.  I’ll kneel down next to it, reach out and pet it.  I’ll whisper to it, “I’m going to use you.  I’m going to shine a light on you.  I’m going to flip our relationship, love, because you have given me everything I need.”

Seeing this film in such an intimate setting as SXSW (if SXSW can be considered intimate…) was a real gift.  The cast and director/producer was there for a Q&A afterwards which was fun and was unexpected because I was at the second showing, not the premiere so it’s cool everyone stuck around for that night.  AnnaLynne, Alisha and Trent stuck around for the 3rd.  Because my memory is so poor I always have to take pictures and everyone was great, very sweet in obliging me.

I also met Alisha Boe who plays Violet – her energy was so hopeful and fresh…clean and new.  She was just so clearly happy, open, when I hugged her I heard “unjaded”.  Stay that way sweet Alisha, or at least let a part of yourself stay that way.  You are a beauty and a dear.  You do Violet right.

Sheila Band.  What can I say?  What THE FUCK.  You would NEVER know the woman I met and spoke with was the same woman on the screen.  That’s a crazy talent.  I was like, how are you the same person I just watched??  But she KILLS as Monica.  Some killer onscreen comedic moments with her, even though they are subtle.  And ok, this woman is tiny in real life.  But she gave me a big hug which was nice.

Ok, Hallie Grace Bradley – we had a super short conversation – in the ladies room ha ha ha, and she cracked me up the whole time.  I couldn’t even tell you what we talked about because I was laughing the whole time.  I’m actually kind of laughing thinking about her and her part in the movie and then her in real life.  She’s really got a ton of talent and is just obviously having a great time.  I feel like she has a lot of inside jokes with just herself.

 

She was with I think the director’s wife who took the pic, who was also hilarious.

 

I also met the director, Trent Haaga, who I think took both the pictures of me and MMG and of me and AnnaLynne.  So thank you very much for that, Trent, ha ha.  He told AnnaLynne, “Oh yea, she was here last night, huge MMG fan” – but I had to stop him because I wanted him to know I’d come back to see 68 Kill again, not for Gubler, but because of what AnnaLynne had said the night before about seeing Liza through the lens of trauma.  In that moment the whole film flipped for me and I had to come back and see it through Liza’s lens.  And after I watched it through her lens I went back a third time to watch it through mine.  Because I’m a high visual processor I see everything.  Every tiny facial movement, every shift in energy, every tiny drawn in breath, actions and reactions.  There are LOTS of those in 68 Kill that you can easily miss the first time around.  So if you are a fan of not only the FUCK YOU in your face thrill of 68 Kill but also the quieter, subtler underlying actions and reactions, see it again.  Or hell, see it 3 times.

See what it unpacks in you.

 

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A Lucky Child

This is an exerpt from a post I wrote on December 11, 2013 on my original blog www.ifyoucouldseewhatihear.wordpress.com.  With everything going on in the world today, today specifically, I thought it was appropriate to re-post.  Let us think about those less fortunate than us today, in all parts of the world, who just wish they were home.

This past weekend, I read a book that really made me stop and pause, and think about just how lucky I am to be warm inside, with my family around me.  How Lucky I AM – period.  That book is A Lucky Child by Thomas Buergenthal.

a-lucky-child

This morning I was outside doing some work in the back yard, filling up holes that had been dug by dogs…and it reminded me of the time I spent working as a merchandiser at Lowe’s in the garden department.  I love gardens and plants.  I love talking to people about gardening.  So I thought this would be a great job for me – active, outdoors, and since I started in January it would be brisk and keep me moving.  Yea, the day I started we had a cold snap and it froze.  Unloading and moving wet heavy plants around when it’s freezing, not cool.  This morning reminded me of that time and how miserable it was.  But that’s nothing, LITERALLY NOTHING.  Not even a drop in the bucket.  I’ve got nothing on little Tommy Buergenthal – the child – yes, CHILD – that survived  Auschwitz and Sachsenhausen concentration camps.  He survived the Auschwitz Death March.  And when I say child I mean CHILD, he was liberated from Sachsenhausen at the age of 11.

This past week whenever outside dressed in many layers – long-sleeved t-shirt, heavy jeans, sweater, scarf, heavy coat, and still freezing – even just walking from the car to the grocery store –  I have thought about Tommy.  Who walked the Auschwitz Death March while starving, in what equated to nothing more than thin pajamas, boots too big and no socks, with rags wrapped around his feet..  And I think, could I have done it?  This child who by what he describes as “luck” – his mother was told by a clairvoyant that he was “Ein Glückskind” – a Lucky Child.  She knew that her son would make it through the war – never doubting it.  Miraculously, he did make it, in that time relying solely on luck, the kindness of others, his own instincts and a desire to live – which was tested daily, with death all around – the story is amazing.  A true testament to the human spirit.  I read it in one day.  And his story doesn’t stop with the liberation, it goes on to tell what he has done since and continues to do in his current life.  Yes, Thomas Buergenthal is still alive, and has done, and continues to do phenomenal things for his fellow man, some of which include being a professor of International Law and Human Rights, and serving for more than a decade as the American judge on the International Court of Justice in The Hague. (One note: as of the re-posting of this, Thomas Buergenthal is indeed, still alive.)

 

So having read his story, a child faced with so much injustice, living in a place of horror and despair, and having done so much with the life he was given, I’ve been asking myself, what can I do?  We do what we can with what we’ve got, and we’ve all been given so much in comparison…how can I reach my potential, and not squander my gifts, but use them to help others and show them their own gifts in turn?  There are people all around us every day that can help us, elevate us, show us the direction to go, or stand up for us when we need the help.  The connections are there, if we can see them, make them and maintain them, and when there’s nothing else, there’s always, by the grace of God, Luck.

Addition to original post:   Thomas B.  currently sits on the International Court of Justice.  Here is what he is up to nowadays, and here is a rundown of some of his accomplishments.  To learn more about the International Court of Justice visit:  http://www.icj-cij.org/court/?p1=1&p2=2&p3=1&judge=11

Judge Thomas Buergenthal

(Member of the Court since 2 March 2000; re-elected as from 6 February 2006)

Born in Lubochna, Slovakia (US National), on 11 May 1934.

B.A., Bethany College, West Virginia (1957); Juris Doctor, New York University School of Law (Root Tilden Scholar) (1960); Master of Laws, Harvard Law School (1961); Doctor of Juridical Science, Harvard Law School (1968). Honorary Doctorates: Bethany College (1981), University of Heidelberg (1986), Free University of Brussels (1994), State University of New York (Buffalo) (2000), American University Washington College of Law (2002), University of Minnesota (2003), George Washington University Law School (2004), University of Göttingen (2007), New York University (2008), and St. Edward’s University (2009).

Member of the Bars of the State of New York, District of Columbia, and United States Supreme Court.

Professor of Law, State University of New York (Buffalo) School of Law (1962-1975); Fulbright and Jaworski Professor of International Law, University of Texas School of Law (1975-1980); Dean and Professor of International Law, American University Washington College of Law (1980-1985); I. T. Cohen Professor of Human Rights, Emory University School of Law and Director, Human Rights Program of the Carter Center (1985-1989); Lobingier Professor of Comparative Law and Jurisprudence and Presiding Director, International Rule of Law Center, The George Washington University Law School (1989-2000).

Judge and President, Inter-American Court of Human Rights (1979-1991); Judge and President, Administrative Tribunal, Inter-American Development Bank (1989-1994); Member, United Nations Truth Commission for El Salvador (1992-1993); Member, United Nations Human Rights Committee (1995-1999); Member, Panels of Conciliators and of Arbitrators, International Centre for Settlement of Investment Disputes, World Bank (since 1997); Arbitrator (1997-2000) and Vice-Chairman, (1999-2000), Claims Resolution Tribunal for Dormant Accounts in Switzerland; Member, Ethics Commission, International Olympic Committee (since 2005).

Chairman, United States Government Delegation to Unesco Specialized Conference on International Education (1974); Chairman, Human Rights Committee, United States National Commission for Unesco (1976-1979); Chief United States Representative, Unesco Executive Board Working Group on Human Rights Procedures (1977/1978); Member, Advisory Board, President’s Commission on the Holocaust (1978-1979); Vice-President, Unesco Congress on the Teaching of Human Rights and Chairman, United States Delegation to the Congress (Vienna, 1978); Member, United States Government Delegation, Conference on Security and Co-operation in Europe, Copenhagen (1990); Member, United States Government Delegation, Conference on Security and Co-operation in Europe, Expert Meeting on Democratic Institutions, Oslo (1991); Member, United States Holocaust Memorial Council (1996-2000) and Chairman of its Committee on Conscience (1997-2000).

Rapporteur, Study Panel on International Human Rights Law and its Implementation, American Society of International Law (1970-1975); Member, Board of Directors, International Institute of Human Rights (René Cassin Foundation), Strasbourg, France (1970-1989); American Society of International Law, Member, Executive Council, (1977-1980; 1986-1989); Vice-President, (1980-1982); Honorary Vice-President (1994-1999); Honorary President (2001-2009); Associate Reporter (1978-1980), Member, Advisory Committee (1980-1986), American Law Institute, Restatement (Third) on the Foreign Relations Law of the United States; Chairman, Human Rights Committee, International Law and Practice Section, American Bar Association (1981-1982; 1991-1992); Member, Standing Committee on World Order Under Law, American Bar Association (1997-1999); Member, Administrative Council, Blaustein Institute of Human Rights (1996-2000); Member, Kuratorium, Max Planck Institute for Public International Law, Heidelberg, Germany (1984-2002); Founder and President, Inter-American Institute of Human Rights (1980-1992), Honorary President (since 1992); Vice-Chairman, Academic Council, Institute of Transnational Arbitration (1998-2003), Honorary Chairman (since 2004); Member, Executive Committee, American Bar Association Center for Human Rights (since 2003).

Member, American Bar Association, American Society of International Law, American Law Institute, Council on Foreign Relations, German Society of International Law. Associé, Institut de Droit International.

Pro-Humanitas Prize, West-Ost Kulturwerk (Federal Republic of Germany) (1978); Unesco Human Rights Prize (First Honourable Mention) (1978); Book Award (First Prize) of the Inter-American Bar Association for Protecting Human Rights in the Americas: Selected Problems (1982); Distinguished Service in Legal Education Award (1987), Alumni Achievement Award (2005), New York University Law School Association; Wolfgang G. Friedmann Memorial Award for Outstanding Achievement in International Law, Columbia University Law School (1989); Harry Leroy Jones Award for Outstanding Achievements in Foreign and International Law, Washington Foreign Law Society (1990); Human Rights Prize, Jacob Blaustein Institute for the Advancement of Human Rights (1997); Goler T. Butcher Medal for Excellence in Human Rights, American Society of International Law (1997); Manley O. Hudson Medal, American Society of International Law (2002); Louis B. Sohn Award, International Law Section of the American Bar Association (2006); International Humanitarian Award for Advancing Global Justice, Case Western Reserve University Law School (2006); Gruber Prize for International Justice (2008).

Member, Editorial Boards: American Journal of Comparative Law (1966-1977); American Journal of International Law; Human Rights Law Journal; Europäische Grundrechte Zeitschrift; Revue Universelle des Droits de l’Homme, Encyclopedia of Public International Law (R. Bernhardt, ed.); Anuario Mexicano de Derecho Internacional; and International Affairs (2008).

Author of numerous books, essays and articles. Books include, inter alia: Law-Making in the International Civil Aviation Organization, 1969; International Protection of Human Rights (with L. B. Sohn), 1973; Public International Law (with S. Murphy), 4th ed., 2007; International Human Rights (with D. Shelton and D. Stewart), 3rd ed., 2002; Protecting Human Rights in the Americas (with D. Shelton), 4th ed., 1995; Grundzüge des Völkerrechts (with Kokott and Doehring), 3rd ed., 2003; A Lucky Child (2007; 2009).

Walk In Investigators…The Book!

One of our members, Joyce Kostakis has written her first book, a Paranormal Detective Mystery, and it’s got a Supper Club Connection…the psychic development group is based on our own Traveling Psychic Supper Club – and it’s available literally everywhere.  Kindle, Barnes and Noble, Amazon, even Austin’s very own Bookpeople…see the photo – it’s on their best seller table!

 

This is a great read with lots of wonderful twists and turns, and has been very well accepted.  If you like mysteries, are drawn to the paranormal, want to check out some real life experiences that Joyce drew from (that I personally can attest to), check it out.  This book is also a great way to learn about “real life” paranormal experiences with straight forward language, real experiences from real people, not “out there” metaphysical types, but down to earth people using their psy skills in real life.

Send any comments for Joyce my way, and if you like it, there’s great news – this is the first book in a series.

You many even recognize the woman on the cover…  😉  to see more about the book on Goodreads, click the pic below.  Coming soon, an interview with me and Joyce.  Although the Traveling Psychic Supper Club group that met monthly has been put to bed, I guess we’ll be forever immortalized in print!

Serial / This is simply the way

This post is about a lot more than just the podcast Serial, so if you don’t listen to it, just skip the next paragraph. 😉

So Adnan gets a new trial.  If you listen to Serial – you may have mixed feelings about that.  Or, I’m sorry I should rephrase that – you may have very specific feelings about that.  If you don’t listen to Serial you should.  Jim and I were listening to it the other day (I’ve since finished it) and I told him, “I think the judicial system is the next major structure to fall.”

 

We are moving into what APPEARS to be a super fractured time, BRexit, the political polarization of the US over guns, transgender, Hillary, Trump…Venezuela is economically crippled, Syria, mass exodus, Zika, and our government’s lack of ability to come together to do anything about it.  Zika is big.  Zika is HUGE, but it’s only part of the big 3, which is still part of a bigger 5.  Not to freak anyone out, but disease is getting ready to be a REALLY BIG THING.  Brazil STILL holding the Olympics, although it’s in political and economic ruin as well…just SO MUCH.  But we are just experiencing a tiny part of what is simply the process.

We are well into the Way.  I used to  refer to it as the New Way, but since it’s here and we are living it, now it’s just the Way.  It’s what I’ve seen coming for the past 5 years.  And it’s tumbling in.  Fast.  We are moving swiftly into a time of TRANSPARENCY.  You can’t say one thing and do another.  The internet makes sure of that.  So the million dollar question is – how are we living and more specifically how are YOU living?  And it’s not to answer to me, but to yourself.  Because in this Way, there is no hiding.  We are all part of a bigger whole.  Every single thing we do – matters.  If you are living right, why worry?  If you aren’t what do you have to adjust to “get right” – those are the  words I hear.  For most of us, we won’t stand in front of a jury – what will be 3 times now for Adnan – but only will live with ourselves.  To be able to sleep at night.   What do you need to  do to be ok with yourself and everyone else?  to  be 100% neutral?

These are the questions to  be asking right now and finding the answers.  Getting to an OK place, because structures that have been shaky, that have never really been effective, have never really served the whole, but instead only a few, they are coming down.  To some it’s Revelations…to others it’s a Revelation.

If you haven’t already, it’s time to start asking the real questions, addressing what MATTERS.  In the bigger picture, this is a really, really good thing.  How do you do it?  Everyone is different. What does neutral FEEL like?  What are you putting out there, and what are you taking in?  What do you need to discard to be at peace?  

For me the first step was getting rid of distractions.  But you listen to Serial you say!!  I listened to it on a couple of long road trips.  It helped me stay open, while letting my mind work on something else.  That’s something that my mind does well, when focusing on two very different things like driving and listening to a story, or reading and listening to music, my mind’s “third track” opens.  That part wanders around…I guess the best description is it allows it to “daydream”.  But it’s not just random thoughts that float through, they are connected.  They are relevant, there waiting to be paid attention to.  And while my analytical mind is being held by two other “feeds” – in this case driving and Serial – that opens the wormhole to this other field, the field of Holographic Thought.  Where the much bigger picture resides.  This is also what happens when I work with clients, that “third track” opens.  After practice, now, it happens quickly and easily.  It’s actually running all of the time, but accessing it always would be tiring and not appropriate.  But it’s always running.  I think I have quicker access to it because of a “learning disability” – which I consider a learning CAPABILITY – Dyscalculia.  I always called it dyslexia with numbers until I learned a couple of years ago it actually has a name.  Because of it a whole part of my analytical brain does not function.  So another part of my mind compensates.  We all have access to that “third track” but I think because of dyscalculia I just get there faster.  But it’s always there and it’s always open.  Always.  We can talk about that more later.

So back to Serial and the bigger picture.  a 3rd trial, not at the request of Adnan, but someone else.  Some evidence and memory is lost, but other evidence and input is found.  As we move further and further into the state of Transparency.  This is going to be interesting.  But the one thing that stays true: the information DOES NOT CHANGE.

A Video Tarot Reading

For the last 3 years I’ve been saying I wanted to start doing videos.  This is the first attempt and it’s a simple tarot reading I did a while back.  My plans – after working on the TPSC sizzle reel – which never became a reality tv show -which I am grateful for – that it never became a show and for the experience – I kept feeling drawn to YouTube, I felt like “I have to do this my way”.  So here is the first video.

If you have any thoughts I really would love to hear them.  I  want to get better at making videos.  I have lots of ideas of just fun stuff I want to do.  Interviews are next, and I’ll keep throwing readings on here too.  If you are going to be in town for SXSW hit me up here or on twitter, @tpsyDeb – and if I’m in town let’s film a tarot reading, I’ll do trades, videos for the blog for the reading.  (Or if you want a full in person reading we can do that too – those are much longer 1.5 hour and usually involve accessing the Akashic Records.  You can look at the DEB tab to see how I read, and logistics for scheduling.)

For the video trades I just want people to see how I work, and that all this isn’t scary, isn’t creepy, but our psychic skills are just additional ways we can learn about ourselves, our purpose, and our place here with one another.  🙂

If you have a personal psychic experience, we want to hear it too.  I’ve gotten a couple that I still need to put on here, if you sent something in, thank you!  We learn by sharing experiences….and stories.

OH btw, I’m going to be on the radio again this Wednesday on http://www.paramaniaradio.com at 9pm eastern, 8pm central with host Chad McKenzie.  We’ll be talking Intuitive Evolution, personal psychic experiences, physics and wormholes.  Hope you’ll join  us, I’m looking forward to it.  🙂

 

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